Log in

No account? Create an account

Previous Entry Share Next Entry
Day 26 -- My fears, in great detail
Conflict.  I don't know how to handle it, and expect to be humiliated.  So I run away if I can.  But I have once or twice moved in on trouble because I couldn't imagine doing anything else.

Falling.  I am not afraid of height as such (e.g., being in an airplane, looking down a cliff over a wall), but of (perceived) exposure.  Looking down thru a grating is particularly unnerving.  Climbing without having something to hold onto, I will be paralyzed with fright.  This has gotten noticeably worse over the years.  About 45 years ago I actually tried to learn to rockclimb.  I took refuge in being unable to imagine the next move.

Failure of imagination is a weak form of courage and a strong form of cowardice.

A change in the political situation.  Knowledge of 20th-century politics, especially in Europe but also in America, has weighed in on me the fact that it is not just criminals that are in danger from the police.  I have always half supposed that someday I shall be in prison.  During my life, however, my political, religious, and sexual deviations have actually become steadily less dangerous.  That has led me to the notion that I should, as a sort of moral hygiene, use such a period of calm to fool myself into assuring (by putting myself on record) that when the forces of evil triumph I shall surely be on the losing side.

  • 1
_Living too long._ Being sick, disable, dependent, & locked up for the rest of my life. (Far more to be dreaded than dying too soon.)

  • 1